visiting sandwich lights
i'm sorry i've been providing you with drugs, owen. you really need to stop, and i hope i do too (though i'm bad at sticking on any one thing.. like sobriety). i'm sorry i've been a lot of bad things to a few people around me, especially. now i'm going to pay attention to my learnings and do what i've been thinking about, and i'd like you [all] to lend me a hand. i'm pretty sure you've already been doing that, and i haven't looked up in quite some time.
i feel like i'm [in the early stages of] making my life's work. my fucking life's work. i have the opportunity to do it right now, and i may never have this kind of freedom again. i cannot do it alone, because i've found a lot of [my] shortcomings (like only having one physical body). fuck limits, they're there. help me because you can cover my ass. help me because you can give me a life i want, as opposed to one i'd work on leaving.
i want to start [again?] with an animation. i want to put together a small part of it.. something that can hold on it's own, make no mistake.. but just a piece of placemat. the frontlines. a gash glimpse. ha qqqq (FOOTNOTE 1).
i [have been talking on the internet of this idea since last summer, at least...] want to start applying for some funding for my projects. i feel like i have enough together to get something off the ground. i can see, very clearly, what i'd do.. and what i'd get people to do. lets see:
* I need a story. I've asked owen [because his stories tickle me, and a ticklish story might be nice (FOOTNOTE 2)], and he seems unsure about being a storyteller for me. I need someone who would be my storyteller... they'd give me something to put my ideas together.... i need glue. i have a world. i'm a world builder... but i need an animating force.
* I need tools. I need painters. i need wood and metal and fabric and musical instruments and some workspaces with recording capacity... cameras and computers and lots of free time. It wasn't until owen and I started recording our spontaneous music that i noticed we had some much on the go (in a really good way).. it gave me such perspective into myself... and recordings let me bask in that thread of my life without having to play that same way ever again.
my lips are burning.
my throat is a desert. i'm afraid. talking = rattling the shelf across the room from me. i frymyself. i can never tell if anyone else thinks the human body can make some neat fucking sounds... but i intend to make case. thanks for putting up with me while i practice.
there's been a new lease on life sitting in front of me for some time now... sometime i think a lot about it.. sometimes i think of moving as far away from it as possible. usually.. i just don't know what to do with it. time for a change of pace.
(FOOTNOTE 3)
FOOTNOTE 1
I've been instinctually making weird noises with my whole body as much as fucking possible lately. my throat and mouth especially; my hands ever since i started drumming (when i was 3 or 4, if not earlier); my skin and bones and any stick with a good echo.
FOOTNOTE 2
I think I want to appeal to children, as much [and as well] as people in my situation. I want to blow some heads open while it still matters to one, and in a way that encourages action...as opposed to inaction. this is why I.. must stress that i only want to START with this animation. i think it's something that could be finished and wrapped nicely. i want to try decorating...... but then i want to bring my other interests into [my life's work]. video games are becoming a way for people to be properly creative, without fear of rejection or [moreso] situation. i think there's a desire for games that don't suck you into a chair. i see games that have the functionality of photoshop (which is already a game to me). this is why spore excites me, but i see where it's cut short.
i don't know if i want to make video games. i know people who do, and i want to work with them. but i want to be a textural artist. i want to build worlds... rich with texture. i want to make the front door to this world entertaining, exciting, inspiring... yadda yadda.
i want to do to other people what animal collective are doing to me. i know... they're pop, they're popular... they've got one hell of an act (if that's all and it)... but it fills me with such a fucking energy that i crave nothing more than joining in the fun. when i listen. i want to make sights and sounds and things to feel and.. all of that.. to encourage everyone to blow their heads off. i want everyone doing visual drugs, even if they're not consuming in the most physical sense.
FOOTNOTE 3
I don't know if i should quit doing drugs or not. On the upper, I've been introduced to a lot of fantastic ideas while intoxicated... most everything from the last few (particularly active) weeks have been offset discoveries. On the downer, (yes.. this wording is my way of being cute. I'm not a writer, please give ivan stories to tell.) i've been chokin out at school with no good reason to give myself. I just convince myself that I don't enjoy what I'm studying.. which is bogus. I love this stuff... and I'm good at it. I just need to keep on the blade.. instead of riding the fuckfuck wake... and falling off the floor becomes my instinct or hometown. I've got enough to work with.. If I only find good ideas on drugs, then I don't need drugs for a good while.
I'm going to talk about my animation, to give myself something to look at and ponder. (that's what this journal is for.. not.. so much.. my typical bitching).
My desire to be a moviemaker first kicked in hard when I was in grade 7 or 10... I dreamed up a computer generated film to spend a decade working on... it was ridiculous... like the SNL skit about Bill Clinton screenwriting... All gigantic dinosaurs and helicopters and robots and intense battles.... radiohead as the basis. dust brothers as the work ethic.
That went nowhere. I gave up on that idea.
I made some funny films for Humanities that plum bobbed in both directions. My time in this class is one of the few things I'm particularly proud of doing in my life, and I am not a proud person [pride puts me off like a doctrine]. Steve and I ran our class.. literally... we came up with the curriculum... we decided what the assignments were going to be... we started and led huge group projects where everyone was writing and filming and acting and recording and running around and faving fun... and it was all put together into [s]o[r]ne thing[s] at the end... Steve liked to indulge in his disfunctional guts. He never finished what he tried to do, and I often had to cover over his gaping holes (and failed). This is where I became comfortable indulging in myself artistically. We lit his caretaker's kitchen on fire with rubbing alcohol, a pie plate, and a garbage bag...(and i failed an assignment for this).
I made interactive 3D movies about Caesar... [and Giger, which was my first stab.. that's where he filled my life.. specifically] and the school exploding (which we shot a lot of actual footage for... that never got used. many bluescreen stuffs... we had a room to ourselves, with every fucking stagelight in the school. we took the lab power grid out enough times that they gave us our own keys to the breaker. We put holes through the drywall. We talked people (who normally hated our guts) into running around like they were on fire.. because it was what passed as "work".
I have these kinds of stories.. I just can't tell them in a world where characters exist on many levels... there is a sickness in the world lung. there's a liquid sick. owen's face looked best (with his fucking perfect makeup!).
I can only make these kinds of stories with the people around me. I used to be a leader, I can say without any doubt in my mind. I used to guide people. I used to make a collective contribution and... it used to build and build until we had sheep puppets and jungle sets... steve could never get his fucking lines right... and we had them printed off in gigantic font, placed on 2 wooden boards (you know the ones.. they're about a half-inch thick.. 4' by 6'.. bendy...)
i want to stick a microphone on each half of one, pan them to stereo (one hard left, the other hard right).... and go somewhere where there's motion. cars driving by. seaguls. wind and trees. people yelling. the sounds of life... emphasized slightly. like what i want to do with the sounds of the human body... like what Do Make Say Think do with their cymbals (played lightly... placed louder in the mix than they would be in real life...).
I think I can do this for a living. But I can't get anywhere exciting (like i've known so well) without the social aspect. I need to find some cohorts. I think I already have... I just have to tell them I'm ready.
Whubbwaqkppttc.
i feel like i'm [in the early stages of] making my life's work. my fucking life's work. i have the opportunity to do it right now, and i may never have this kind of freedom again. i cannot do it alone, because i've found a lot of [my] shortcomings (like only having one physical body). fuck limits, they're there. help me because you can cover my ass. help me because you can give me a life i want, as opposed to one i'd work on leaving.
i want to start [again?] with an animation. i want to put together a small part of it.. something that can hold on it's own, make no mistake.. but just a piece of placemat. the frontlines. a gash glimpse. ha qqqq (FOOTNOTE 1).
i [have been talking on the internet of this idea since last summer, at least...] want to start applying for some funding for my projects. i feel like i have enough together to get something off the ground. i can see, very clearly, what i'd do.. and what i'd get people to do. lets see:
* I need a story. I've asked owen [because his stories tickle me, and a ticklish story might be nice (FOOTNOTE 2)], and he seems unsure about being a storyteller for me. I need someone who would be my storyteller... they'd give me something to put my ideas together.... i need glue. i have a world. i'm a world builder... but i need an animating force.
* I need tools. I need painters. i need wood and metal and fabric and musical instruments and some workspaces with recording capacity... cameras and computers and lots of free time. It wasn't until owen and I started recording our spontaneous music that i noticed we had some much on the go (in a really good way).. it gave me such perspective into myself... and recordings let me bask in that thread of my life without having to play that same way ever again.
my lips are burning.
my throat is a desert. i'm afraid. talking = rattling the shelf across the room from me. i frymyself. i can never tell if anyone else thinks the human body can make some neat fucking sounds... but i intend to make case. thanks for putting up with me while i practice.
there's been a new lease on life sitting in front of me for some time now... sometime i think a lot about it.. sometimes i think of moving as far away from it as possible. usually.. i just don't know what to do with it. time for a change of pace.
(FOOTNOTE 3)
FOOTNOTE 1
I've been instinctually making weird noises with my whole body as much as fucking possible lately. my throat and mouth especially; my hands ever since i started drumming (when i was 3 or 4, if not earlier); my skin and bones and any stick with a good echo.
FOOTNOTE 2
I think I want to appeal to children, as much [and as well] as people in my situation. I want to blow some heads open while it still matters to one, and in a way that encourages action...as opposed to inaction. this is why I.. must stress that i only want to START with this animation. i think it's something that could be finished and wrapped nicely. i want to try decorating...... but then i want to bring my other interests into [my life's work]. video games are becoming a way for people to be properly creative, without fear of rejection or [moreso] situation. i think there's a desire for games that don't suck you into a chair. i see games that have the functionality of photoshop (which is already a game to me). this is why spore excites me, but i see where it's cut short.
i don't know if i want to make video games. i know people who do, and i want to work with them. but i want to be a textural artist. i want to build worlds... rich with texture. i want to make the front door to this world entertaining, exciting, inspiring... yadda yadda.
i want to do to other people what animal collective are doing to me. i know... they're pop, they're popular... they've got one hell of an act (if that's all and it)... but it fills me with such a fucking energy that i crave nothing more than joining in the fun. when i listen. i want to make sights and sounds and things to feel and.. all of that.. to encourage everyone to blow their heads off. i want everyone doing visual drugs, even if they're not consuming in the most physical sense.
FOOTNOTE 3
I don't know if i should quit doing drugs or not. On the upper, I've been introduced to a lot of fantastic ideas while intoxicated... most everything from the last few (particularly active) weeks have been offset discoveries. On the downer, (yes.. this wording is my way of being cute. I'm not a writer, please give ivan stories to tell.) i've been chokin out at school with no good reason to give myself. I just convince myself that I don't enjoy what I'm studying.. which is bogus. I love this stuff... and I'm good at it. I just need to keep on the blade.. instead of riding the fuckfuck wake... and falling off the floor becomes my instinct or hometown. I've got enough to work with.. If I only find good ideas on drugs, then I don't need drugs for a good while.
I'm going to talk about my animation, to give myself something to look at and ponder. (that's what this journal is for.. not.. so much.. my typical bitching).
My desire to be a moviemaker first kicked in hard when I was in grade 7 or 10... I dreamed up a computer generated film to spend a decade working on... it was ridiculous... like the SNL skit about Bill Clinton screenwriting... All gigantic dinosaurs and helicopters and robots and intense battles.... radiohead as the basis. dust brothers as the work ethic.
That went nowhere. I gave up on that idea.
I made some funny films for Humanities that plum bobbed in both directions. My time in this class is one of the few things I'm particularly proud of doing in my life, and I am not a proud person [pride puts me off like a doctrine]. Steve and I ran our class.. literally... we came up with the curriculum... we decided what the assignments were going to be... we started and led huge group projects where everyone was writing and filming and acting and recording and running around and faving fun... and it was all put together into [s]o[r]ne thing[s] at the end... Steve liked to indulge in his disfunctional guts. He never finished what he tried to do, and I often had to cover over his gaping holes (and failed). This is where I became comfortable indulging in myself artistically. We lit his caretaker's kitchen on fire with rubbing alcohol, a pie plate, and a garbage bag...(and i failed an assignment for this).
I made interactive 3D movies about Caesar... [and Giger, which was my first stab.. that's where he filled my life.. specifically] and the school exploding (which we shot a lot of actual footage for... that never got used. many bluescreen stuffs... we had a room to ourselves, with every fucking stagelight in the school. we took the lab power grid out enough times that they gave us our own keys to the breaker. We put holes through the drywall. We talked people (who normally hated our guts) into running around like they were on fire.. because it was what passed as "work".
I have these kinds of stories.. I just can't tell them in a world where characters exist on many levels... there is a sickness in the world lung. there's a liquid sick. owen's face looked best (with his fucking perfect makeup!).
I can only make these kinds of stories with the people around me. I used to be a leader, I can say without any doubt in my mind. I used to guide people. I used to make a collective contribution and... it used to build and build until we had sheep puppets and jungle sets... steve could never get his fucking lines right... and we had them printed off in gigantic font, placed on 2 wooden boards (you know the ones.. they're about a half-inch thick.. 4' by 6'.. bendy...)
i want to stick a microphone on each half of one, pan them to stereo (one hard left, the other hard right).... and go somewhere where there's motion. cars driving by. seaguls. wind and trees. people yelling. the sounds of life... emphasized slightly. like what i want to do with the sounds of the human body... like what Do Make Say Think do with their cymbals (played lightly... placed louder in the mix than they would be in real life...).
I think I can do this for a living. But I can't get anywhere exciting (like i've known so well) without the social aspect. I need to find some cohorts. I think I already have... I just have to tell them I'm ready.
Whubbwaqkppttc.
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